ISABEL puma KENNER

Money and sex rule strip club dynamics, as well as power dynamics, and the strip club is all about a negotiation of power.

When I began working in a Gentleman’s Club, teasing / flirting for a living, I was put in a position of seeing men so clearly like I never felt the ability to before. My favorite customers are the ones who almost don’t know why they walked in. I love talking to them and analyzing their intentions, perspectives, hopes, wishes, fears, aversions. I realized there’s a layer of stripping that is dating your customer for an extremely short time, but learning so much. I realized how difficult customer dynamics directly correlate to difficult dating dynamics outside of work, and struggles strippers face is a direct microcosm of the struggles women face.

During sex, as a woman, you’re being viewed, you’re not viewing. All you see is your partner’s eyes or chest or the bed sheets you’re drooling on, or if you’re lucky a reflection of yourself getting fucked in the mirror. As a man it is entirely voyeurism. The physical pleasure is one thing but watching a woman’s face struggle to choke on you, spread her ass for you, touch her boobs while she rides you, is all a masterpiece of a spectacle. We’re on display, we’re performing, we’re the focus. There is pressure to look, sound, feel, taste & smell just right.

During sex, as a woman, I enjoy being psychologically fucked and dominated. It’s not really about what my partner looks like, or how their face expresses when they cum. It’s about the way they yearn for a woman, the way they know their existence at its core is dedicated to women, the way the smell of my skin will control their mind the entire week. The way we make eye contact, and the feeling behind why they touch me, the devotion and intention. Women, fully expressed, are so deeply powerful, intuitive, independent & wise that the feeling of a man worshipping at our altar through sexual deviance allows us to fall apart and receive. Taking dick feels like a shared moment of reverence.

The strip club is a constant reminder of how far many men stray from this perspective. It is where some women work to survive and others to feel free. For me it’s both, as it is for many. There is this unspoken secondhand embarrassment and shame cast upon sex workers, and sexual women in general. The derogatory jokes made towards the selected sluts to please the bachelor party, or your boy’s new girl with a link in her bio, or the diva accompanying a man thrice her age at dinner. When I work in the presence of men with condescending attitudes it casts a shadow of shame alongside my reason why I strip. “You’re too pretty to work here.” It’s not strong enough to overshadow it, but for many women it is. 

When I’m now in the presence of any man, I can envision them as a customer at the club — which despite being entirely transactional, is also entirely informative of a man’s perspective on, treatment of & capacity for a woman. There are ultimately camps that every man I meet, as a patron or civilian, falls into, on the XY axis of objectification and support.

objectify

verb

to treat as an object or cause to have objective reality

support

verb

to promote the interests or cause of especially by action or aid

The opposite end of the spectrum of objectification is subjectification. Where rather than entirely viewed as a flattened caricature, a woman is entirely viewed as her own unique, individual, independent & complex self. The sweet spot of seduction, allure & money making in the club lies right in the middle of both. A woman that hints at her mystery, depth & complexity — yet is so familiar and comfortable in her selfhood that she’s more than happy to be removed from her depths within the confines of a superficial, sexual exchange. We know the part to play and feel completely willing to shed all other complex morals, ideals & standards to be utterly profane together.

As for support, beyond simply having or not having the means, a man’s perspective around objectification can often inform his willingness to provide. This makes the opposite end of support independence. When leaning more towards subjectification, there is a perspective that women are their own person first and can support themselves. The idea that providing monetary compensation for the sexual act removes the intimacy and degrades the act, as well as the woman. It also shatters the fantasy that this independent woman is choosing according to her own free will to fuck you and desire you. There is a desire for a woman to not need you but want you. The idea that the urge for sex is complex, abstract & deep, which it certainly is. However, it’s equally performative, transactional & aestheticized. 

This is why, for sex workers, we feel respected when you pay us. Customers that imply our time spent would be more valuable if it was in the “real world” for free cause a particular ick. This is because we are equally real right now, in this moment. And on dates, we’re the focus, providing a valuable experience for a man. Accompanying them, looking beautiful, asking meaningful questions, boosting their morale. As a woman you feel like a benefactor, and it most certainly feels like a transaction. Therefore pay often feels the most fitting for the role we’re being asked to play, and are desired to play. Because the reality is that it’s a performance; that doesn’t mean it’s unenjoyable, but it is a learned act.

There are also, of course, the customers that use support to push to the furthest end of objectification possible. Which is mostly what you hear and think about sex work. People don’t often talk about the customers who come to the club, regularly, for sincere and honest connection with a beautiful, sexy woman. Outside of sex work, there are men that use expensive dinners, luxury apartments & the finest accoutrement to create an air of objectification that soothes them. Many men are soothed by objectification because vulnerability is unsettling. The financial exchange is used to keep the interaction as minimized and transactional as possible. There are also men with this preference who prefer to not involve money, claiming they never have to “pay for pussy.”

The way these spectrums interact with and inform each other depict the way men behave; which is commonly regarded as deeply puzzling, whether completely abstract, or to some dumber than they can understand. By encountering man after man in quick succession in a completely transactional setting, their logic becomes painstakingly clear. Nobody strikes some point on the diagram that is surprising. Perhaps refreshing, but never surprising. Unless they drop the fourth wall and bring up the diagram itself, and our roles in it, and what the purpose is, and what the question is, and the answer. Like a judge at a science fair. But I’ve yet to see it.

The classic Madonna-Whore complex addresses the way men’s desire for ownership obstructs their capacity for providing and pleasure within the same connection. They want to claim a woman to feel she’s utterly devoted to them and within their control. This converts an infinitely mysterious & complex being into something finite & predictable. Like an exotic animal in a cage. However, that very unpredictability & mystery drives the impetus for desire, leading to a streak of infidelity and fetishizing the stranger met in passing. 

Men use providing as a tool for control just as much as they use objectification as a tool for freedom. Freedom through the fantasy that for a brief moment in time someone else can remove us from being our own endlessly complex responsibility of fulfillment, development & challenge. Or for others, not so brief, but rather a marriage that endures the rest of their time in this incarnation. Men have been conditioned via obedient women overtime to believe that they can control their emotional and existential state by having someone to call theirs by their side, and vice versa. 

Desire is confusing, and I believe more people need permission to be a slut; to experience the blissful freedom of allowing yourself to consensually be used and tamed, or to use and tame another. When desire is repressed, men fall on either extreme of the spectrum being completely removed from regarding your body as human, or too polite to move beyond the small talk. Add in the complexity of a society that correlates monetary worth with personal worth, as well as providing and its association with successfully fulfilled gender roles, and the power dynamic between men and women becomes completely muddy. 

Entering the realm of consensual exchange requires intention and understanding of your own wants and needs. If you want a provider, own that truth. If you want to provide, do so without resentment. If you want to go to a strip club, understand that it’s about transaction, and be comfortable enjoying that. Same thing with a sexual relationship, romantic relationship, or anything in between. 

Liberated connection lies perfectly between objective and subjective, support and independence. That is the zero sum, pure potential of masculine and feminine energy, no matter the gender identity involved; to create unobstructed magic. When you love a woman’s depth as much as you love her ability to put that down and roleplay as your slut, something you can own and tame. When you love spoiling a woman rotten so she doesn’t have to lift a finger just as much as you love seeing her create and provide an abundant life for herself to fulfill her own cause and interests. When you don’t feel entitled to a woman because she’s comfortable being objectified by you, nor because she’s comfortable being the extent of her breadth and depth with you. When you don’t feel entitled to a woman because you support her financially, nor because she just wants you for you and not your money. When you don’t feel entitled to a woman for any reason.

This looks like feeling comfortable and unashamed to initiate slutty behavior, as well as feeling comfortable and unashamed to share intimate details with each other that shape who you are. This looks like respecting that this partner is their own person before, during & after you. This looks like sharing emotional and intellectual exchanges to experience each other, not to extract stability, meaning & worth. This looks like sharing monetary, emotional, physical support to whatever desired extent without feeling pressured to provide anything in exchange. This is all made possible through the understanding of and commitment to being your own responsibility first and foremost through the upkeep of peace, health, joy, expression & fulfillment.